Learning Who I Am

Lately, I have been learning a lot about who I am...not just who I am here on earth but who I am in God's sight...it's a huge lesson that I have struggled with all my life.

I have known since I was a little girl that God made me, that He loves me and and that He wants the best for me, but knowing and believing it are two totally different things. When I was younger I used to think that I didn't look the right way or act the right way or say the right things...I was never popular in school...I had friends but I still felt like I was on the outside of things. Grade 8 was a very hard year for me...I woke up every morning with a feeling of dread and if I could have avoided going to school, I would have. Thankfully, high school was wonderful...I went to a great school and was part of an Arts program (I was in the music program and also took Drama) and I really started to figure out who I was, what I wanted, etc.

As I mentioned the other day, I moved out East for four years and they were good years for me to strike out my own...I made new friends, had new experiences, got out of my comfort zone...all that good stuff. Bit by bit I found out what I liked and didn't like, what I wanted in my life, etc. and while it helped me, I still had those doubts about me. Was I pretty enough? Would I find someone to share my life with? Did people really like me for me?

Of course, moving back home and meeting Andy both had a lot to do with starting to change my idea of who I was but it's still been a struggle at times...I'm sure I'll always struggle with this. Over the past few years I've started to study more about how God sees us and I'm working to change my thoughts and confessions to line up with His word. This morning at church we had a guest speaker, Mark Virkler, and what a blessing it was to hear him. He talked this morning about how to make sure that our thoughts and confessions are of God and not the devil...something I've been working at. Getting rid of the "I'm not good enough to do..." "I can't..." all the negative confessions.

My former pastor once asked me if I knew what God looked like...I didn't know how to answer...how do you describe what God looks like. To that he answered, "He looks like YOU! You are made in His image, so He looks like you. So...if you are created in His image, how can anything about you not be good enough?" Words that I definitely needed to hear and while I forget them many times (or fail to believe them) it is a work in progress.

And so bit by bit, day by day, I am learning to let go of my preconceived ideas of what I "should" be like and just be me. I'm learning that my likes and dislikes, what I look like, how I talk, etc., all those things make me who I am, they make me unique and that's okay.

I am His child, His daughter, a princess and He formed me and knew me before I was even born. Not only that, but when He was dying on the cross, it was ME he was thinking about. It's hard to wrap my mind around, but He died for me and my sins. He wants the best for me and He loves to bless me in many ways...the three people that share this home with me are the biggest blessings I've ever received.

He has given me dreams...BIG dreams and I know that once I can start to fully believe what His word says I can do, be or have, and I can start to step out in faith then things are going to start to happen!

He is on my side, he is cheering me on as I go through life. Even though there are low points in my life and sometimes trials to go through, He never leaves my side. I mess up often and I've done things that I know make Him sad but still, He always loves me...such mercy I'm certainly not worthy of but still He loves me and forgives me.

This is another reason that I'm so glad to be coming to the reunion...I've never had a sister (but always wanted one) and even though I have a sister-in-law and will have another one next year, they aren't women who I go to with my problems, concerns, etc. That's not a bad thing, but that close sister bond is not there...but you all are like real sisters to me. You have prayed for various situations, rejoiced with me over good news, been cheerleaders when I've needed them...you have all touched my life so much! Going to Michigan is kind of a victory for me...it's a chance to get away for a weekend for "me" time (something I've not done since having the girls) and it's a chance to have a time of refreshing and renewal with my Sisters and I think it's something that not many people do. I mean, how many people do you know (besides us) who meet a group of people online and then all meet up in real life? Do you know how many strange looks I've had over this...I think people think I'm crazy but to me it's a great adventure!

And so, I am looking forward to meeting those of you who are going to be in Michigan and I know it's going to be a great weekend with lots of hugs, laughter and yes, even tears! I tend to get emotional easily and I can't help but cry if someone else is crying, so I sure hope there is a good supply of Kleenex there! :0)