Hello Sisters! I am so happy to be able to post again! I have had a most difficult season in my life. It has taken me down roads I couldn't have imagined. My days and nights were filled with nightmares and horrid imaginations. It seemed to more I tried to rise above it, the farther beneath it I found myself. I was beginning to feel as though I was sinking with no hope of rescue. I was spent physically, emotionally, spiritually.....in every conceivable way one can become barren, I was.
My physical health suffered, my emotional health suffered and my spiritual health suffered. It finally culminated in a collapse on October 10 of last year. I fainted in my shower. When I awoke, I was confused, disoriented and couldn't remember how to contact either of my sisters. I finally managed to turn the shower off and pull myself out onto the bathroom floor. My mind was so fuzzy, all I could remember was "call 911", so that is what I did. I honestly don't remember much about what happened after that.
My next awareness was that someone was pounding on my door. I realized I was in my kitchen and in my bathrobe. I struggled to get to the door where the paramedics were awaiting entry into the house. I opened the door and again collapsed on the floor. They moved me aside and brought the gurney in. They lifted me onto the gurney and loaded me into the ambulance. As they were loading me into the ambulance, my memory began to come back. My first memory was of Terry's death. I broke down weeping uncontrollably.
I was loaded into the ambulance. My vital signs were so erratic that they decided they must stop at the nearest hospital instead of going to the hospital I normally use. My next memory is being in the ER at the local hospital. A young doctor was telling me they were going to give me medications in my IV. My blood pressure was at stroke levels, my heart was beating erratically and my oxygen sats were dangerously low at 86%. (I do not remember these numbers from the conversation. These were the numbers given to my sisters when they arrived.)
Nothing they did remains in my memory. My sisters arrived at some point. Apparently, at some point at the house, I had called Charlotte and had left a very cryptic message. She became immediately worried and drove to the farm house to check on me. When she got there and couldn't get me to the door or answer either of my telephones, she became even more worried. She called Debra who also didn't know what was going on.
Charlotte then called her house and got my nephew, Caleb, to bring a door key to her. They went into the farm house and couldn't find me. They then called the local ER and found I was there. Charlotte called Debra and they planned to meet at the ER. When they walked in, I was not awake and, according to them, looked worse than Terry did on the morning he died.
The local ER decided I was somewhat stabilized and should be routed on to the hospital where my doctors were. The ambulance arrived and off I went with Charlotte following behind and Debra planning on relieving Charlotte on Sunday morning. I arrived at the next ER long before Charlotte. By the time she arrived, they had already x-rayed my head and chest, drawn blood for labs, repeated a CAT scan on my head and had given me more meds in my IV.
Charlotte arrived about 15 minutes before the doctor came in to tell me I was being admitted. My blood pressure was rising dangerously high and then dipping dangerously low (76/49 was the lowest it got). I was moved upstairs into a private room and more tests were ordered for the next day.
On Sunday, a CAT scan of my chest and abdomen was performed, as well as an echo cardiogram. Blood was drawn every 4 hours throughout the night and all day Sunday and continued on through Sunday night. On Monday, about mid morning, my doctor came in to talk to us. He told me I had had a near nervous breakdown. What I had experienced was called an emotional breakdown. My mind simply shut down when the pain of the memories became too much to bear. That was the reason I had forgotten about Terry's death. He also told me I had developed diastolic heart failure.
I was placed on medications to manage the anxiety and depression and to help with fluid retention which was causing my oxygen sats to be so low. I would be released on Tuesday with orders to follow up with a Clinical Psychologist and my Internist within one week. He also told Charlotte that I should not go back home alone and shouldn't live alone again until the Psychologist gave his release for me to do so.
I made weekly visits with the Psychologist and bi-weekly visits with my Internist through December. In January, my Psychology visits were reduced to once every other week and my Internist gave release for monthly visits. At my last Internist visit, everything was so much better. My labs were very much closer to being within normal limits and my vitals were all normal. At my last Psychology visit, I was released to once monthly. The Psychologist is amazed at how well I have done in such a short time, considering how sick I was when we started. I know that is only due to the grace and healing of our Heavenly Father!
I expect to have to continue monthly visits with the Psychologist for a long time to come. The pain of my childhood experience and the side effects of that pain will take a while to overcome. However, I now know I can do it with the help of the Holy Spirit. I will now see my Internist quarterly unless something else comes up. I see my doctor at Vanderbilt every other month to check on my stimulator and the liver disease and my local GI doctor as needed. So, I will still have a lot of doctor's visits, but I know the Lord is using them to bring healing to my mind and body and He is healing my spirit and drawing me ever closer to Himself.
I will be moving back to my house (not the farm house, but the house Terry and I had owned together) sometime either this month or in March. For the year since Terry's death, I had gone back and forth between continuing to live at the farm in my MIL's house or moving back to our house. I just could not make a decision. Now, I have no doubt, the right thing to do is to move back to our house; the place we built our lives together and where we made a lifetime of memories.
I am excited about being able to go back home soon. I am also so very excited to be able to back with my Sisters!!!! I have missed you all so very much. I cannot begin to tell you how much your prayers and encouragement have meant to me over this past year. I never cease to be amazed at how the Lord places us in just the right place at just the right time for just the right reasons! You, my Sisters, have been a lifeline to me!
With all my love and appreciation.............
Many hugs.............
Diane
This last picture (obviously without Apron- she was tucked up for the night already) is just a shot of 
