Behind My Smile

I know this post is weird. I feel bad that I am not writing some amazing words of encouragement or knowledge, but I am gonna share what kind of thoughts are really in my head lately, because my world right now is a dichotomy. I want it to end, and maybe this will help. Most of this is not in good written form. It is in thought form, I guess. 

ECCEDENTESIAST –  ( ex cen dent tee shee ist  ) Someone who hides behind a smile.

"Ecce" is Latin for "I present to you"; Herod's "Ecce homo" concerning Jesus means "Here is the man." "Dentes," of course, are teeth; -iast" denotes a "practitioner," or sometimes a "performer". Thus an eccedentesiast is someone who "performs by showing teeth," or smiling--a "professional smiler." The implication, naturally enough, is that such a person is insincere and merely putting on a show.

That is me. I put on a smile and pretend everything is fine. I post pretty, smiling pictures and funny little comments and quotes and I make everyone think everything is just peachy. I am an eccedentesiast. 

I am such a fake.Who am I to even feel sad and empty? I should not feel this way. Many people have lives much worse than mine… Everyone has problems. What are you whining for? …. Does it really matter? It doesn’t really matter..…Telling people won’t change anything. Only you can change how you feel inside. You just want attention. No, I don’t want people to know. I want people to think I am normal. I want people to think I have it all together. Just keep hiding. Nothing will change by hiding. Shut up. Just stay here. You don’t want pity. I can’t stand people who moan about their problems to others.  All that pouting and ‘poor pitiful me’ crap!  What a turn off. No one wants to be around people like that. I can’t stand people who do that. You don’t put your problems out there in public. What are you, a narcissist? Everything is not about you! Nothing is about me.

They don’t know what I see. They don’t SEE what I see. Pretty? What a joke. When was the last time I felt pretty? He used to tell me I was beautiful. I want to be in love. Loving someone and being in love are two different things. I can’t be sure I will ever be in love again, but isn’t it pitiful the way it is now? I am so sad and lonely. Stupid girl, those kind of feelings don’t last. They aren’t supposed to. You can’t feel like that after 20 years. What you have is fine. You have more than so many can even dream of. At least you have love. Is it love, or is it just that you are comfortable with the status quo? He is unhappy too. Who else will put up with you? No one. No, this is love, it just isn’t romantic. You are too old for romance. People would love to have what you have. Don’t rock the boat. Just stay where you are. Being here is safer than being out there.

 Do I really have to go anywhere? I would rather stay home. I don’t want the summer to end. When did I leave the house last? Was it 5 days ago or 6? You know you will have to go to the store tomorrow.  I dread it. Oh well, I have no choice. He is getting tired of this. I KNOW he is. Shut up! Don’t think about it. Think about something else- anything else. Don’t think about what is happening, or not happening. How many days do I have left until I have to go back to school????  

I have to do the internship. People think I am capable? HA! I am scared. I don’t think I can do it. Doing good at school doesn’t mean you can really do it at a job. You are gonna mess it up. You are too old.  How am I gonna pull this off with people looking at me? They are gonna be evaluating me and watching me.  I am gonna mess up. I won’t be able to type fast enough. Who is gonna hire you in the end anyway? Your past will bite you in the butt before it is over. No one understands why I am scared… Remember what happened when you tried to tell them? They don’t take you seriously. They just blew you off. All they said was "Aww, it will be fine. There is no reason to be scared."   They don’t want to hear it. They don’t believe you are really scared. They don’t know you really mean it.  Even if they had taken you seriously, what good would that do? Them knowing how you feel about it doesn’t change you, stupid. Just show people what they want to see. Tell them what they want to hear. Go through the motions and just do it. You are stubborn. You will follow through cause that’s what you do. Just force yourself, smile, and do it.

You will get by. You will be fine. You can do it. Just do it and get through. One day at a time. Things will change. You will change. This is not forever. It will be Okay. 

Life is wonderful.  This too shall pass. It is just a phase. Life goes full circle. The tears will stop falling. It takes some sad to make you realize what happiness is. You will feel happy again. Life is meaningful. It will be Okay…. Ah lalalalalala Life is wonderful. Ah lalalalala lala Life goes full circle. 

Are You A Cooked Egg?

     We have all heard the term, "Your egg is cooked." Recently I heard someone say that a man was a real 'cooked egg'. People looked at him strangely, so he explained that the guy was the kind of person who got stronger through adversity, and he calls him this because while all other foods get soft when they are placed in boiling water, an egg gets hard. It gets stronger! It really hit me as a unique way to describe a person, and I began to ponder about how that analogy should apply to life as a Christian. I believe most of you will agree that lately, our eggs are definitely being cooked! We are all being tested and tried at each turn.

      What do we do when we are in hot water? Do we become stronger, or do we weaken and become soft? The trials and tribulations we go through in life are our 'hot water', and we all get into it. We all know that each of us are going through some type of adversity. For each of us, some days are a struggle to get through, but we must get through! This is part of life, and part of our walk as a Christian is to be strengthened through these times.

     Becoming a Christian does not make us immune to life's trials and tribulations, but why would a good and loving God allow us to go through such things as the death of a child, disease, depression, illness of ourselves or a loved one, financial hardships, worry and fear? If he loves us, why doesn't he take all these things from us? After all, doesn't loving us mean he wants our lives to be perfect and comfortable? Well... No.

     For believers, all things that happen in our lives have a purpose. We know that the things that happen in our lives are meant for our good. (Romans 8:28) God DOES have a purpose. God’s ultimate purpose for us is to grow more and more into the image of His Son. (Romans 8:29) Everything that happens in our lives, including the trials and tribulations, is designed to help us to reach that goal. The Bible tells us in (1 Peter 1:6-7) that, "In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which perishes, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." The hardships and testing we go through helps us to know that our faith is real and will last forever.

     Our trials are meant to help us develop Godly character, so that we are able to "rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us” (Romans 5:3-5)

     We must also remember through those hard times that there will be a reward for those of us who persevere. "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4)  Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to those who love Him." (James 1:12)

     I am as guilty as the next person about letting my troubles get me down when it comes to handling the difficulties in my life. There are times when I just want to give up and give in. I feel like I just can't take any more! However, God is dealing with me and I am trying to do better by placing my trust in him each step of the way. 

     

     As we all go through the 'hot water' of our respective daily lives, are we being cooked eggs? Are we being strengthened by it, or are we becoming weaker?  It is my prayer in true love for each and every one of us to remember that we have victory through Jesus Christ!  Although we are in a battle, Satan has no authority over us. God has given us His Word to guide us, His Holy Spirit to enable us, and the privilege of coming to Him ANYWHERE, at ANY TIME, to pray about ANYTHING.  His word promises us that no trial will test us beyond our ability to bear it, and “He will also provide a way out so that we can stand up under it” (1Cor.10:13)

     Today, be strengthened and know that you are loved and God is with you, so let's all go out there and try to be COOKED EGGS FOR CHRIST! : D

     

The Sock Has Arrived in Sunny Florida!

Hello Sisters!
   Yesterday evening I received a blessing when I discovered that I had a package from our beautiful sisters in Canada.  Here is a picture of my socks and little hint about my first post to get us started... 
 All my love, Cyndi   @)----

Hi sisters.  The sock adventure is on it's way to the next sister.  I still have more photos to post.  I finally have started my own blog but so far with no posts.  Waiting for the next sister to post.

Today, I finally got to stay home all day......no appointments, no shopping and nobody needed a ride to work.   It's been so cold that I was able to run around at home with my adventure socks.
This is a little closer look at the goodies that Cheryl had put into the wonderful package.

This is the necklace that you might of seen in Cheryl's post with her little grand daughter, Jada.  Isn't is cute.  Thanks sweetie.

Cheryl gave me some really nice note cards which I can hardly wait to use......note the shoes.....this shoe looks like the ones she was wearing on a post two days ago.

Last but not least are the mouth watering candies.  You might notice in this shot that the bag was already open.

The socks were really comfortable with these old sneakers!

When I first received the sock package last Tuesday evening after a busy day taking a required CPR course I was both surprised and honored to be the next sister to have this privilege.  Then I started to panic.  What will I write about?  I've read all of the other blog posts about this sock adventure.  How could I come up with anything that would even compare.
This morning I was thinking about what this sock adventure has been trying to teach me.  As you know from Terry's post this has been a very BUSY week but it hasn't been much different other weeks and I know that this is the same story for all of us.  I had safely tucked the socks away into the china cabinet for another day and let Miss Terry speak up for me.  Can it be that that I have done the same thing with my daily walk with The Lord....push Him aside for another more convenient time.
I will continue with another post later.  It is time to get Joannie  up for the day.  She is the special needs lady that we take care of in our home.

here sisters, are the pair of socks that betty is wearing this week on special occasions........she has been so busy that she has tired herself right out and so she has asked me to post and let everyone know what is going on. well in between being a taxi mom, taking her kids to and from work, she has also been cleaning the house up side down!...rachel and amy and little john have been helping her go through stuff and filling up bags to give away.... in the meantime the socks were put into these china cups so that by mistake they were not tossed out! i sure wish that i could take the credit for this beautiful photo but alas!..i must tell you that betty took it!...you girls will soon find out what a good photographer she is..you surely will! and so here you have it...the sock that jada gigi sent and the one that betty rescued from walmart are at last together where they belong....on betty's feet! and so BETTY you better rest yourself a little and start walking and talking, eh? love terry

Unfortunately, on this my first post, the socks had to help me to hack into Terry's account so that we could do some posting....next on my to do list is to create my own blogger account.
The sock has finally arrived back to Ontario Canada....can hardly wait to get started.  As you can see from the photo the package contained a beautiful necklace from Jada and some note paper and candies from Cheryl.  Thank you ladies!!!  Will get started really soon!